Confronting Decolonization and Racism in Ayahuasca Ceremonies, Sacred Valley Peru

I was having a mind purge. A mind purge is when deep unprocessed thoughts, images and beliefs from your family of origin or the over-culture come up to the surface to be witnessed.

Mind purges are insanely uncomfortable, because we like to identify with the mind and the stories it spits out at us.

I had drank ayahuasca three times that week, and had done a lot of deep work, but this mind-purge experience was the hardest to be with. It was hard because it involved my own internalized racism and internal colonization patterns I had been confronting.

I was drinking ayahuasca in the Sacred Valley of Peru with an indigenous Shipiba shaman from the jungles of the Amazon, who came from a long lineage of elders that deeply know the world of plants and their wisdom. She precisely and expertly shared her teachings with us, and gave her Icaros and love so generously to a group of Western Women over the course of a week. All of us hoping to transform and heal our unprocessed traumas and wounds.

As part of an all women’s retreat, I had signed up to do women’s work, focusing on sisterhood wounds and my work as a future mother. However, I felt like there was a deeper ask of me during this All Woman’s Ayahuasca Retreat. Upon reflecting, I realized, part of my work and intention as a woman in this space was a deep intention to confront any internalized racism or colonization that is unseen, or causing unintentional harm.

This is always hard to admit for a white bodied person, that there may be racism or colonization within us. That there may be stories, beliefs, or textures within our mind-body that may be unintentionally causing separation or an inability to form ally-ship with BIPOC.

I felt this within myself, and it had to be addressed. For my future children, for my sisters, near and far, for myself and for all people on the planet. During my second ceremony, I spoke into the cup: “May I be in Right Relationship with all plants, people, animals, the earth and myself.”

I am a white presenting woman, in the psychedelic ceremony and psychedelic law sector. I currently practice as a paralegal for a psychedelic law firm. I come as a humble student to this movement and still have so much to learn. My deepest intention is to form allyships with BIPOC leaders in the psychedelic space and allow trust and support to happen through a white body that isn’t in freeze. I’m learning from other leaders what is needed from an ally.  To be relaxed, open, resilient and strong. A white ally is willing to take action and listen deeply.

I believe we can learn so much from getting quiet, sitting in ceremony together, and being in relationship with plant medicines and plant allies.

Naturally, when I went to sit with medicine, the mind purge surfaced. Containing all the fears I ever had around being a white presenting woman in the world. “Was I causing harm?” “Am I doing enough?” “Am I centering myself too much?” “Did I hold her hand the wrong way?” “I’m so uncomfortable with the lived reality of BIPOC, I feel avoidance.” On and on it went. “I shouldn’t want gold stars for the work of decolonization I’m doing here.” “Your thinking about yourself too much.” “You’re selfish.” I continued to feeling intense amounts of anger and shame.

Generational templates of “the other” flashed in my psyche through images of people of color seen through the eyes of my ancestors. I felt the way this template had been passed down into my ovaries and eyes through a white family lineage. I saw it all so clearly through the lens of ayahuasca. I was in freeze. I didn’t know what to do. It took all my might not to hook into the stories, identify with them and shame myself even more for having them. For the most part, I was able to be with them, compassionately and witness without total and complete judgment, but I needed help.

One of our facilitators was BIPOC,  and carried a lot of different lineages in her body. I could feel the way my body was still going into freeze around her. Not wanting to cause more harm.

I asked our facilitator if she wouldn’t mind having a conversation about what was happening with me.

Making sure she felt emotionally safe and wanting to make sure she wasn’t doing any emotional labor for me, I prefaced the conversation with. “I understand this is my work, and I don’t want you to do any emotional labor for me.” I also expressed her gratitude for being so open to talk about something so uncomfortable, often times for both parties.  My heart is filled with gentle waves of gratitude for her as I write this now.

So at a lunch table, separate from others, we dropped in and had an incredible heart to heart. I was able to share my somatic experience with her and she offered me some resources.

One resource she shared with me was Black Octopus Society: Somatic Abolitionism. She told me I needed to address the freeze that was happening in my body in a somatic way. The work I had been doing was entirely with the mind and through mental processing and writing. This was an incredible insight to me. “We don’t need ally’s that are in freeze.” She said. “We need allies who can be firm in themselves, listen and take action.”

She also shared that she was creating a plant medicine dieta for white bodied allies in the jungles of Peru. When she spoke of this offering, I began to weep. I needed to be in a space dedicated to decolonization and dismantling internalized racism with the help of the plant allies. I have vowed to do this work and learn from the plants when the time comes.

The plants are so smart. They know how to be in allyship together.

Some examples of allyship in plants are like Rosemary and Lavender, who thrive together in companion planting, (two plants commonly dieted). Then there’s the three sisters: Corn, Beans and Squash. Corn provides support for beans. The beans create nitrogen for the corn and squash. Dill and Basil together can repel pests, and mycelium decomposes material that no longer serves them.

I have found that a lot of psychedelic spaces do not address race or colonization. Folks attending retreat might be only there to “work on themselves” or “address their own trauma.” Or people may be afraid that it’s “too hard, or too much work” or maybe the story lives that says; “people don’t have capacity for that kind of work on top of their own trauma work.”

However, in order weave the world that we want, addressing race and decolonization in psychedelic spaces and psychedelic law is the most important work we can do. Addressing this within ourselves, is our own trauma and is our own work. It is our responsibility to slowly and gently create more capacity for this work, and to create allyships whenever possible. Our survival will be our capacity to be in relationship with each other,  with plants, the earth and ourselves. We cannot survive if we avoid, continue our individualism, and do not know how to repair our ruptures. We must examine our own internalized racism and colonization in plant medicine ceremonies. Even if we have black friends, even if our partner, daughter, son, is BIPOC. Even if we never in a million years want to intentionally cause harm and have studied Race and Ethnic studies.

It matters.

One invitation to consider, if you are a legal professional in the psychedelic space or any professional in the psychedelic space, is to center one or some of your ceremonies around dismantling internalized racism or decolonization. Another invitation could be to begin the work of Somatic Abolitionism through the work of Dr. Resmaa Menakem, suggested to me by my facilitator. There are many ways we can begin to navigate creating allyship, trust, and repair through our own process of starting within. 

I’m so very thankful this work was passed on to me through an incredible BIPOC facilitator, friend and leader in the sacred plant medicine sector. I am devoted to supporting her work in creating all BIPOC ceremony spaces, where folks can have a safe container to dismantle and release trauma caused by white presenting bodies.

I write this as a humble student, who has a lot to learn from BIPOC leaders, and plant allies in the psychedelic space. My intention for this blog was to share with other white presenting folks that you are not alone in your work, and we can create an ally-community together, that helps weave a new narrative into the psychedelic ceremony and psychedelic law sectors.

In Community,

Chelsea Terram